I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
