After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
