I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
