I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
