): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
