census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
