I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
