the new term for farting is butt boxing.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
