apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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