I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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