When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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