I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
