I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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