I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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