Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
