i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
