Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
