I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's blow job season.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
