he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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