The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
