Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
