I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
