I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
