he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
