He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
