I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
