I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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