you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
