I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
