Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
