Will you blow on my dice?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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