why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
