Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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