I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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