I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
