We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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