This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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