dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
