You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
