Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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