Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
