I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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