Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
