So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
