I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
