im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
