Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
