hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
