I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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