She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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