did you get engaged???
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
