You're my little dorito
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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